Meredith Shayne

You know you’re Australian if…and other things

January 28, 2012 at 11:44 am | Posted in real life | 3 Comments
Tags: real life

I’m not sure how it gets to be 3 weeks without a post, but there you go. I don’t know where the time goes.

Apropos of nothing, I bought a new bed. They delivered it today, and I was very much looking forward to it, because the bed I’ve been sleeping on I’ve been sleeping on for 19 years, and mattress technology has changed a lot in that time. And also I am old now, and I ache a lot. They have mattresses for achy people these days.

I bought a slat bed, which I’ve never had before, but putting it together was easy and I was preparing myself for a nice nap on my fancy new mattress (pillow top!) when I laid the first slat down…and it didn’t reach the other side of the frame. By about 5 cm. Now, I don’t know that much about slat beds, but I am reasonably sure that they are supposed to slot into both sides of the frame. Common sense tells me this.

Sad face.

So I called them and told them this, and they said they’d look into it and sort it out today. I am trying not to read too much into the fact that they’d said they’d call me back by 20 minutes ago.

So anyway. It was Australia Day a couple of days ago, but not living in Australia means that I don’t get a day off for that, alas. What I do get is email from the other Australians I know here. This one I thought was particularly amusing – some of these are so true it hurts to admit it!

You know you’re Australian if:

* You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

* You’ve made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden

* You understand that the phrase ‘a group of women wearing black thongs’ refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.

* You pronounce Melbourne as ‘Mel-bin’.

* You believe the ‘l’ in the word ‘Australia’ is optional.

* You can translate: ‘Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas’.

* You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

* You think ‘Woolloomooloo’ is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

* You’re secretly proud of our killer wildlife.

* You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that’s twice as big as its $2 coin.

* You understand that ‘Wagga Wagga’ can be abbreviated to ‘Wagga’ but ‘Woy Woy’ can’t be called ‘Woy’

* You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread. You’ve also squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms.

* You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.

* Beetroot with your Hamburger… Of course.

* You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels’ song ‘Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again’ and “Living next door to Alice”.

* You believe that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.

* You DON’T wear ugg boots outside the house.

* You believe that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off for a pittance.

* You believe that the more you shorten someone’s name the more you like them.

* Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.

* You understand that ‘excuse me’ can sound rude, while ‘scuse me’ is always polite.

* You know what it’s like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.

* You know it’s not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron.

* Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.

* You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call ‘Anzac cookies’.

* You still think of Kylie as ‘that girl off Neighbours’.

* You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in -o: arvo, combo, garbo, kero, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto, goodo etc.

* You know that there is a universal place called “woop woop” located in the middle of nowhere…no matter where you actually are.

* You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes like piss. But we let the world think we do. Because we can.

* You have some time in your life slept with Aeroguard on in the summer. Maybe even as perfume.

* You’ve only ever used the words – tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet – to mean good. And then you place ‘bloody’ in front of it when you really mean it.

* You know that the barbecue is a political arena; the person holding the tongs is always the boss and usually a man. And the women make the Salad.

* You say ‘no worries’ quite often, whether you realise it or not.

* You understand what no wucking furries means.

* You’ve drank your tea/coffee/milo through a Tim Tam.

* You own a Bond’s chesty. In several different colours.

* You know that some people pronounce Australia like “Straya” and that’s ok.