You know you’re Australian if…and other things

January 28, 2012 at 11:44 am | Posted in real life | 3 Comments

I’m not sure how it gets to be 3 weeks without a post, but there you go. I don’t know where the time goes.

Apropos of nothing, I bought a new bed. They delivered it today, and I was very much looking forward to it, because the bed I’ve been sleeping on I’ve been sleeping on for 19 years, and mattress technology has changed a lot in that time. And also I am old now, and I ache a lot. They have mattresses for achy people these days.

I bought a slat bed, which I’ve never had before, but putting it together was easy and I was preparing myself for a nice nap on my fancy new mattress (pillow top!) when I laid the first slat down…and it didn’t reach the other side of the frame. By about 5 cm. Now, I don’t know that much about slat beds, but I am reasonably sure that they are supposed to slot into both sides of the frame. Common sense tells me this.

Sad face.

So I called them and told them this, and they said they’d look into it and sort it out today. I am trying not to read too much into the fact that they’d said they’d call me back by 20 minutes ago.

So anyway. It was Australia Day a couple of days ago, but not living in Australia means that I don’t get a day off for that, alas. What I do get is email from the other Australians I know here. This one I thought was particularly amusing – some of these are so true it hurts to admit it!

You know you’re Australian if:

* You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

* You’ve made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden

* You understand that the phrase ‘a group of women wearing black thongs’ refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.

* You pronounce Melbourne as ‘Mel-bin’.

* You believe the ‘l’ in the word ‘Australia’ is optional.

* You can translate: ‘Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas’.

* You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

* You think ‘Woolloomooloo’ is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

* You’re secretly proud of our killer wildlife.

* You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that’s twice as big as its $2 coin.

* You understand that ‘Wagga Wagga’ can be abbreviated to ‘Wagga’ but ‘Woy Woy’ can’t be called ‘Woy’

* You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread. You’ve also squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms.

* You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.

* Beetroot with your Hamburger… Of course.

* You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels’ song ‘Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again’ and “Living next door to Alice”.

* You believe that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.

* You DON’T wear ugg boots outside the house.

* You believe that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off for a pittance.

* You believe that the more you shorten someone’s name the more you like them.

* Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.

* You understand that ‘excuse me’ can sound rude, while ‘scuse me’ is always polite.

* You know what it’s like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.

* You know it’s not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron.

* Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.

* You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call ‘Anzac cookies’.

* You still think of Kylie as ‘that girl off Neighbours’.

* You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in -o: arvo, combo, garbo, kero, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto, goodo etc.

* You know that there is a universal place called “woop woop” located in the middle of nowhere…no matter where you actually are.

* You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes like piss. But we let the world think we do. Because we can.

* You have some time in your life slept with Aeroguard on in the summer. Maybe even as perfume.

* You’ve only ever used the words – tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet – to mean good. And then you place ‘bloody’ in front of it when you really mean it.

* You know that the barbecue is a political arena; the person holding the tongs is always the boss and usually a man. And the women make the Salad.

* You say ‘no worries’ quite often, whether you realise it or not.

* You understand what no wucking furries means.

* You’ve drank your tea/coffee/milo through a Tim Tam.

* You own a Bond’s chesty. In several different colours.

* You know that some people pronounce Australia like “Straya” and that’s ok.



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  1. Hi Meredith, good ones and I’m not even Australian, but I laughed at a few. What are you working on and what should we expect from you in the future?


    • Hi Jessy, how are you going? I hope you’re well. I found this very funny – people at work were starting to look at me oddly because I kept laughing out loud.

      As for what I’m working on, on March 4th JMS books will be re-releasing my paranormal short story Reasonable Force. If you’ve got the Care and Feeding of Demons anthology that Torquere released a couple of years ago then you’ll already have it, but if not then that’ll be new.

      My current writing project is about a singer and guitarist of a retired Sydney rock band who have to deal with the band getting back together after they and the band broke up messily 16 years earlier. I hope to have that finished by the end of February, fingers crossed! I plan to submit that to Dreamspinner, and hopefully they’ll like it enough to publish it. 🙂

  2. So sorry to hear about the bed! Fingers crossed it is sorted ASAP! And can I just say you purchasing a new bed has me thinking about replacing mine…well, not replace exactly. Enlarge!

    Oh, and after reading that list I would like to say that you can tell New Zealanders and Australians have a lot in common when a New Zealand can read the list and agree with most of them, except (of course):

    You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.

    I’m not saying anything, but I’m thinking things along the line of the Tui ad *grin*

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